(Originally published on www.FromWinetoFine.com)
I am so very sorry. There was a time in your life that I was not myself. Sadly, you have snapshot memories of some of my worst moments, and I wish nothing more than to be gifted a mind-eraser to rid you of those moments.
You see, my beautiful, mommy lost herself to alcohol, or "Mommy's juice." That red stuff I drank in the fancy cups took ahold of me and turned me into someone else. Someone really ugly. Someone who was not your mommy.
That red juice made mommy sad, mad, confused, sleepy, fake happy, and as you know all too well, really "sick," like the stomach bug.
The juice was also a reason I made bad, bad, bad decisions. Decisions that still haunt me, especially when you randomly recall words I shared with you, words I know I would have never said had I not been drinking the juice. Or when you think that the cops were at the house to help because I was just "really, REALLY sick." And the one that tears my heart in half is when you tell me how scared you were when mommy fell asleep in the van and how you cried out to God over and over.
Those moments are so hard to hear even to this day because those are moments I wished you never, ever, ever had to witness. I wish you never had to see your mommy "sick," even though I was in more way than one. My soul was sick. My mind was sick. And yes, my body was sick, too. Too much of that red juice does that to a person, and I always had too much.
But alas, I cannot change those memories for you. I can only give you new memories of the healthy, non-juice drinking, and genuinely happy me. Your real mommy. Your best mommy.
I can now show you that as girls, we are strong. We can overcome really hard times in our lives. We can learn from those times and apply those lessons in future difficulties. We can conquer with grace, and we can be strong enough to go against the "norm" to do what is best for us, as our unique selves.
I can also show you how to grow in mind, body, and spirit and never stop. Because honestly, we should never stop growing. Growing, learning, and experiencing in true form is BEAUTIFUL! (I assure you that the red juice won't let you experience true beauty).
I can show you how to make good choices, and in return feel really good about yourself. We can eat healthy foods, move our bodies, lift heavy things, make time to love ourselves, fight our fears, and lift others up along the way. These and many more will ultimately lift you up, and you will be able to walk through life with your head held high.
You will also see me make many mistakes. That's because we're human, and we're not free from messing up. Our personal mistakes can become quite pivotal, though. Our mistakes can be a huge step towards success, so pay attention. See the lesson, own your boo-boo, and move onward and upward with a grateful heart.
I can also teach you how to connect to people who are your people. Just because the "cool people" are doing "cool things" does not mean that you have to bend yourself to be like them. You must do you, and in that, you'll find your tribe. You'll find the friends that will be next to you through the good, bad, and ugly. There is no need to change who you are or who you are becoming to please another. YOU ARE ENOUGH just as your mommy is enough.
I can show you how to fiercely love a life YOU CREATE. You have the power (someday) to fully pick-and-choose the life that is best for YOU! I encourage you to pay attention to what makes your heart smile because there lies your passion, your calling.
Lastly, and definitely most importantly, I can show you that the God you cried out to in the van does exist. You see, He was there with us that day, and He heard you. He sent angels to our home to take care of you, to take care of your mommy. That God will always be there for you. He will love you through it all, and He will continue to show up when you need him most.
My dearest daughter, my love, I will never be able to express enough how sincerely sorry I am for any harm I may have done to your sweet soul. But know this: your mommy, your best mommy loves you more than a heart can handle at times. Your best mommy thanks God DAILY for you. Your best mommy will never stop trying to be her best self for you, and your best mommy is here to stay.
With all the love of my heart and soul,